The question I tend to hate: Do you have children?

 “Carve a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

I tend to get asked this question often once I tell people I am widowed. I have come to dislike this question since I don't have any.  It is not by choice that we did not have children since we wanted to have them.  We wanted to wait until we were settled into the house.. When we moved back from North Carolina we were going to an infertility clinic since that is what we planned to do earlier.


We put having a family on hold once Mike went to the doctor and had an MRI on his brain. Once we knew he had cancer we knew that we would not become a family.

Was I upset about not having children? Yes, I was very upset and once again I was angry with God.   I felt cheated that I did not have children and didn't have a part of Mike staying behind when he died.  It was such a bittersweet feeling I had.  I wanted children yet how would I deal with being a single parent having to explain to them that daddy was in Heaven. 

The emotions were tough because my cousins, whom I love very much, were having children of their own.. As their children's birthdays came up and I helped with the cake I would find a way to be alone for a bit so I could cry. I was not angry at them but angry because I did not have children.

Am I still angry, yes I am angry at times but I have found ways to deal with it. One way was to read the bible and pray. Several verses come to mind that helped me the most. 

Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Peter 5:10 - And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


Psalm 31:7-8 - I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Isaiah 49_13 - For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

I have learned to appreciate the children I do have in my life.  I am a preschool teacher who has at least 20 wonderful children in my class every year that I love dearly. I have 3  wonderful little girls (my cousins) who are a big part of my life. I am able to bake cookies, lay on the floor to color and cuddle up on the couch to read a story to them. I have many friends whose children consider me their aunt and for that I am truly grateful.

I also have a hard time dealing t that my parents are not grandparents yet since the majority of their friends are. Sometimes, I feel that I failed them in that aspect but I know they would disagree. I have my moments where I still cry because I don't have children, yet I look forward to the future where that just might change.

I truly believe that I will be blessed with children in the future and that God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and wait for God's will to give me the babies I long for.

As I end this blog I will leave you with the following verses.

Psalm 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

 Psalm 113:39 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.