Be Still and Know I am God...Palsm 46:10

      I belong to a bible study group and I am on the servant team. I was placed on the calender to lead a bible discussion. People that know me knows I don't get in front of groups and talk. Yes I know I am teacher and it should  matter but it does. Standing in front of a group peers is very different then standing in front of a group of children. I was trying to decide if I really wanted to do this. I prayed and talk to family and friends and prayed again. Then I remembered hearing a message about how God wants you to step out of you comfort zone. So I decided to do it. Here is what I presented since I promised months ago to put it up on my blog.

“Be still and know I am God I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

God recently laid this verse on my heart; well actually it felt more like a Gibbs on the back of the head. I had been so busy with feeling over whelmed by my life not going the way I thought it would go.

In the past seven years I have been through a lot and had a little faith. I know others had rough times. During those years I lost a husband, an aunt, and others to cancer and other things. I lost I lost my house, my car and was laid off.  I also had relatives going through cancer treatments and other things. I went through a bout of depression and anxiety.

Since I was laid off, I was helping take my Grandpa to the doctors. He will be ninety in April. I went to Visit him one day, he was laying on the couch, so tired and his legs hurting, I have never seen him like this even when he was going through chemo. He was told he needed a pace maker. I took him to the doctors several times since my mom and uncle worked and his girlfriend is going through chemo treatments. I was not happy with all this news as you can imagine.

I got in my car to go home after taking him to the doctors. I was pulling out the parking space in front of his house when I heard  “Be Still and know I am God.”

I was so caught up in my worry about everything that I forgot that God has a plan and can handle it. He has shown me that all the time and I didn’t see it. Whether I didn’t see or choose not see it is not the question but the question was what do I need to do about. I drove home praising and thanking God for everything he has done, is doing and will do.

I just needed to be still, let go and Let God handle it….he has got this. He can handle it all. I had to pray that everything will work out because has a plan and it will be done in his time and his way.

I posed this question to my Facebook friends;

What does this verse from Psalms "Be still and know that I am God" mean to you?

To me it means that I need to be open to what God is doing in my life and have faith that he got this, he can handle it.  It also reminds to take everything to God in prayer and meditate on his words.

I prayed that night about giving everything to him. I put all my faith in him. I am more at ease with things, I found a job and all who I prayed for are doing well. Pap is doing well with the pacemaker.

To some of my friends and family it means

To me, it means that He is in control--"Relax, it's all good, He's got this"... And He IS in control!

We are so busy listening to the world that we miss what God wants us to hear from Him. We allow the noise of the world to drown out God's voice that can come in the form of a song, a friend's words, a voice in our heads, etc...all we have to do is listen...

Trust God, believe in him. count on him.

To me it means to stop freaking out and relax. I am not in control, God is.

To me it means know that God is the Great I Am and is w you during even your most troublesome and restless times. Put your faith in HIM and HE will still all your worries and burdens.

You need to take time to be still and let life happen...he is in control...not me...in the midst of the storm he is the safe haven.

That no matter what is going on, that I need to be still and listen for God, because he is there and in total control.

I feel God's peace that passes all understanding and loving/comforting arms wrap around me with this verse, \that no matter what I go through God will be there with and for me

his verse is saying to myself; to be at peace in your being known that Jesus is God and has everything in HIS hands. It gives the hope that the entire world around may be difficult to understand, or appear chaotic but to be at complete peace and rest inside your heart. Through truly applying this verse it is possible to walk in unconditional love with God. When you allow your heart to simply know that Jesus is the Lord,. By letting your heart open for his presence of God

it means the same thing as God has a reason for what he does and quit trying to meddle.

To me the passage speaks to the kind of spiritual serenity that one gets from having a personal relationship with God. It's about being still in spirit, more than in actions and putting my trust in him without question or reservation. Even when I may not see the path, knowing that god has a plan for each of us. In times of trouble, I can hand things over to him and it gives me a steady calm strength.

Dont let ur mind race and ur heart worry.be still

It looks most be people have come to the same understanding/meaning.

Yes it is a big step to put all your faith, life, heart and soul in to God but it is so worth it.

thanks for reading. 

The question I tend to hate: Do you have children?

 “Carve a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

I tend to get asked this question often once I tell people I am widowed. I have come to dislike this question since I don't have any.  It is not by choice that we did not have children since we wanted to have them.  We wanted to wait until we were settled into the house.. When we moved back from North Carolina we were going to an infertility clinic since that is what we planned to do earlier.


We put having a family on hold once Mike went to the doctor and had an MRI on his brain. Once we knew he had cancer we knew that we would not become a family.

Was I upset about not having children? Yes, I was very upset and once again I was angry with God.   I felt cheated that I did not have children and didn't have a part of Mike staying behind when he died.  It was such a bittersweet feeling I had.  I wanted children yet how would I deal with being a single parent having to explain to them that daddy was in Heaven. 

The emotions were tough because my cousins, whom I love very much, were having children of their own.. As their children's birthdays came up and I helped with the cake I would find a way to be alone for a bit so I could cry. I was not angry at them but angry because I did not have children.

Am I still angry, yes I am angry at times but I have found ways to deal with it. One way was to read the bible and pray. Several verses come to mind that helped me the most. 

Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Peter 5:10 - And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


Psalm 31:7-8 - I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Isaiah 49_13 - For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

I have learned to appreciate the children I do have in my life.  I am a preschool teacher who has at least 20 wonderful children in my class every year that I love dearly. I have 3  wonderful little girls (my cousins) who are a big part of my life. I am able to bake cookies, lay on the floor to color and cuddle up on the couch to read a story to them. I have many friends whose children consider me their aunt and for that I am truly grateful.

I also have a hard time dealing t that my parents are not grandparents yet since the majority of their friends are. Sometimes, I feel that I failed them in that aspect but I know they would disagree. I have my moments where I still cry because I don't have children, yet I look forward to the future where that just might change.

I truly believe that I will be blessed with children in the future and that God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and wait for God's will to give me the babies I long for.

As I end this blog I will leave you with the following verses.

Psalm 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

 Psalm 113:39 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

Questions: Answered and Unanswered

I had a friend ask me some questions about how I dealt with things emotionally. One question was if I I hated God. Yes, I hated God at times through out the whole year. I was very angry at God. I wanted to know why us and why now. Those questions were not answered and they have not been answered. I feel they will be answered at some point. I just have the accept that for now and I also have to let Jesus take the wheel of my life.


Question two was did I think that heaven was closed to my prayers. In the beginning I felt that God was not listening and just letting this happen. I would pray everyday and everyday I would watch Mike grow weaker. I learned the sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Did I want Mike to have this horrible disease and die? Did I want him to suffer the way he did. No, I did not want all that for Mike but God has a plan for everyone, and everyone has a cross he or she must bear. I discovered this through the help of my church, the church I grew up in, my family, friends, and my therapist. They helped me understand that we will not always get the answers we want or we just might get no answer at all.

Last question was how did I get past no answers. It took a lot to get past the fact I was not getting answers to my questions.  I got past the unanswered questions with the help of  my support system(mentioned above) and I continued to pray even though my questions were never answered. I also read the Bible to help understand things.

Do I still have questions? Yes, I still have a lot of questions but I am okay with not knowing the answers. I may never know the answers. I will have to until I get to heaven for things to be clear to me

Going through all this I learned it is okay to be angry and question God. He is a  patient  God and understands. 

Saying Good-Bye

John 14:1-7

 ¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.”

 ⁵ Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”  ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”


 After my pastor read this and said a short prayer, my husband drew his last breath a little after 11 pm on August 15, 2008. His death was after a year long battle with brain cancer. When we first heard the words "I am sorry, I wish I had better news but Mike, you have cancer." The prognosis was very grim but he decided to fight. 

We were married 7 years and together for 10 years. When we took our vows, we meant every word of them. We had our share of problems and issues.We never imagined in a million years that we would be battling something this horrible. 

 My feelings were all messed up about this situation.  I did not know what to do with them. I was very angry that life had dealt us this blow.  I had no idea what to do or where to turn. I knew we had a long battle ahead of us when we decided to fight this horrible disease. 

The first part of this battle was telling the family and our friends. My parents were with us when we got the news. We had my dad call his mom. Then we called the rest of the family and friends. We then posted  the news on our social networking pages. We also called our church. 

It is funny how one sentence from a doctor can change your life. We went from being an outgoing couple to a couple that ran to doctors appointments and treatments every week. We went from a two income family to a one income family. He had the only insurance which was cobra until I was offered  a better paying job. 


I kept thinking about how we would manage everything, how we would afford all the medical bills and medicines. I knew that the family would help if I asked. I was more then surprised when his old schoolmates stepped and held some fundraisers to help with the cost of things. Others stepped up and brought us food. It meant so much that I could pick up a phone and call my friends, esp my best friend(Sandye) and talk no matter the time of day. I also turned to my faith and prayed.
At the beginning of his illness I would pray daily for cure, but everyday he grew worse.   I struggled with this yet I continued to pray.


As the year progressed Mike grew worse and worse. He went from walking on his own to a wheelchair in 8 months time. In 7 months time he was in a hospital bed at home. 10 months after those horrible words were spoken to us, I had to make the heart wrenching decision to put him in a nursing home.  Then one day we went for his treatment only to find out they couldn't administer it due to some other health issues he had. He was  admitted to the hospital.  August 12, 2008 we were told that there was nothing else that could be done to help him, and hospice was the best place for him.


I finally realized that the year we spent fighting this horrible disease was the last of everything.   He was placed in hospice on August 13, 2008.  Little did I know that on August 14, he'd tell me he loved me for the last time. Little did I know that there would be no more Thanksgivings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, or Christmases. Little did I know that August 15, 2008 at 11:15 that would be the last goodbye.

In that year we struggled with each new development that the disease would bring, and each time we went to the doctors we hoped that a cure was around the corner. We struggled when he had to switch treatments and had to have surgery. We did this as a family and I kept true to my vows and never gave up on them. 
I learned a lot that year. I learned not to take things for granted. Never leave or hang up the phone with loved one or a close friend without telling them you love them. Never go to bed angry. Always be there for each other no matter what. 


When Mike went to be with the Lord, my pastor said to me "Life is not fair but God is"  I now understand what that means but that is another blog.  




In my final goodbye, I not only said good bye to my husband, but I said good bye to my friend.RIP Mike 

Welcome to Another Year

Hi and Welcome. I hope this blog helps others as it will help me to move on in my life. The word I hate most in the entire world is cancer. I have been touched by people who have had cancer and ones that are still fighting their battle. I will be writing about my experiences in dealing with this horrible disease, one that I do not have, but I have watched loved ones struggle with. Some of the loved are survivors and some lost their battle.