Questions: Answered and Unanswered

I had a friend ask me some questions about how I dealt with things emotionally. One question was if I I hated God. Yes, I hated God at times through out the whole year. I was very angry at God. I wanted to know why us and why now. Those questions were not answered and they have not been answered. I feel they will be answered at some point. I just have the accept that for now and I also have to let Jesus take the wheel of my life.


Question two was did I think that heaven was closed to my prayers. In the beginning I felt that God was not listening and just letting this happen. I would pray everyday and everyday I would watch Mike grow weaker. I learned the sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Did I want Mike to have this horrible disease and die? Did I want him to suffer the way he did. No, I did not want all that for Mike but God has a plan for everyone, and everyone has a cross he or she must bear. I discovered this through the help of my church, the church I grew up in, my family, friends, and my therapist. They helped me understand that we will not always get the answers we want or we just might get no answer at all.

Last question was how did I get past no answers. It took a lot to get past the fact I was not getting answers to my questions.  I got past the unanswered questions with the help of  my support system(mentioned above) and I continued to pray even though my questions were never answered. I also read the Bible to help understand things.

Do I still have questions? Yes, I still have a lot of questions but I am okay with not knowing the answers. I may never know the answers. I will have to until I get to heaven for things to be clear to me

Going through all this I learned it is okay to be angry and question God. He is a  patient  God and understands. 

Saying Good-Bye

John 14:1-7

 ¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.”

 ⁵ Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”  ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”


 After my pastor read this and said a short prayer, my husband drew his last breath a little after 11 pm on August 15, 2008. His death was after a year long battle with brain cancer. When we first heard the words "I am sorry, I wish I had better news but Mike, you have cancer." The prognosis was very grim but he decided to fight. 

We were married 7 years and together for 10 years. When we took our vows, we meant every word of them. We had our share of problems and issues.We never imagined in a million years that we would be battling something this horrible. 

 My feelings were all messed up about this situation.  I did not know what to do with them. I was very angry that life had dealt us this blow.  I had no idea what to do or where to turn. I knew we had a long battle ahead of us when we decided to fight this horrible disease. 

The first part of this battle was telling the family and our friends. My parents were with us when we got the news. We had my dad call his mom. Then we called the rest of the family and friends. We then posted  the news on our social networking pages. We also called our church. 

It is funny how one sentence from a doctor can change your life. We went from being an outgoing couple to a couple that ran to doctors appointments and treatments every week. We went from a two income family to a one income family. He had the only insurance which was cobra until I was offered  a better paying job. 


I kept thinking about how we would manage everything, how we would afford all the medical bills and medicines. I knew that the family would help if I asked. I was more then surprised when his old schoolmates stepped and held some fundraisers to help with the cost of things. Others stepped up and brought us food. It meant so much that I could pick up a phone and call my friends, esp my best friend(Sandye) and talk no matter the time of day. I also turned to my faith and prayed.
At the beginning of his illness I would pray daily for cure, but everyday he grew worse.   I struggled with this yet I continued to pray.


As the year progressed Mike grew worse and worse. He went from walking on his own to a wheelchair in 8 months time. In 7 months time he was in a hospital bed at home. 10 months after those horrible words were spoken to us, I had to make the heart wrenching decision to put him in a nursing home.  Then one day we went for his treatment only to find out they couldn't administer it due to some other health issues he had. He was  admitted to the hospital.  August 12, 2008 we were told that there was nothing else that could be done to help him, and hospice was the best place for him.


I finally realized that the year we spent fighting this horrible disease was the last of everything.   He was placed in hospice on August 13, 2008.  Little did I know that on August 14, he'd tell me he loved me for the last time. Little did I know that there would be no more Thanksgivings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, or Christmases. Little did I know that August 15, 2008 at 11:15 that would be the last goodbye.

In that year we struggled with each new development that the disease would bring, and each time we went to the doctors we hoped that a cure was around the corner. We struggled when he had to switch treatments and had to have surgery. We did this as a family and I kept true to my vows and never gave up on them. 
I learned a lot that year. I learned not to take things for granted. Never leave or hang up the phone with loved one or a close friend without telling them you love them. Never go to bed angry. Always be there for each other no matter what. 


When Mike went to be with the Lord, my pastor said to me "Life is not fair but God is"  I now understand what that means but that is another blog.  




In my final goodbye, I not only said good bye to my husband, but I said good bye to my friend.RIP Mike 

Welcome to Another Year

Hi and Welcome. I hope this blog helps others as it will help me to move on in my life. The word I hate most in the entire world is cancer. I have been touched by people who have had cancer and ones that are still fighting their battle. I will be writing about my experiences in dealing with this horrible disease, one that I do not have, but I have watched loved ones struggle with. Some of the loved are survivors and some lost their battle.